My love is not enough.
It never has been, although now it isn’t enough, but it is for very
different reasons. I have always hoped
that my love would be enough for him, but it never has been. He has always had me, yet he always wanted
more – wanted to know what else was out there, what he was missing. Now, it seems, he may soon find out what it
is like to be missing me. Not because I
want it to be over – I don’t. I have
never wanted my love to be enough more than I want it to be enough now. I want it to be enough to carry us through
this storm, and although I have always thought it was strong enough to carry us
through anything, I think this storm is just too big. We can’t move on past the betrayal--past the
lies and the hurt and the anger. I know
that he loves me, and god knows I love him and have loved him as fiercely as
any person has ever loved another. But
is it enough?
It’s not. I can’t let
it go. I can’t wrap my little brain around the fact that he could do this to
me, to our little family that he, at one time, so desperately wanted. I can’t believe he would have unprotected sex
over and over with someone he didn’t really trust and then come home and risk
me and our unborn child. I can’t believe
that when I loved him unconditionally and gave him another chance, he lied more
and betrayed me again. I can’t believe
that he missed out on the whole summer with our children while he was caught up
in his own head trying to decide if he loved her (wtf??). I can’t stand that they still work together
and that she is a part of my daily life.
I can’t take it that he tiptoes around her feelings so he doesn’t “antagonize”
the situation at work. I can’t take it
that she is still trying after four months of him being committed to us. I cannot handle that I am supposed to be the
bigger person and be well-behaved and not confront her when she is screwing
with my family.
I’m so over it. I
wish I thought my love for him was enough to see us through. I need to start making some decisions that I
can live with and not question every single day. I need to move on, but I’m not sure it needs
to be with him. I don’t deserve this
torture everyday. I deserve to be happy
and healthy and to be in a relationship where I don’t have to worry and wonder
all the time. I love him so much, but is love really enough? I am just not so sure anymore...
